Humans as pets – care sheet

*A satire…*
*Really, humans should not be kept as pets and are not subject to ownership!*

About a month ago I got my first pet snake, a corn snake, and I am completely in love. The only regret I have is that I did not get snakes sooner. My second snake, a royal python, will be joining us in a few weeks time. ❤
Since my recent pet developments, I have noticed that people seem to either ‘love’ or ‘hate’ snakes. And there are many people who hate or are scared of snakes. I think most of this is based on ignorance or fear of the unknown or bad reputations (this goes for sharks too, unfortunately). I hope to be able to change people’s minds a bit with my snake babies.

Anyways, the other day, someone was so shocked about me having a snake that she said “Why don’t you just get a boyfriend?” People who know me know that I am not interested in dating (except perhaps superhumans, but there are so few…). So my typical response is “Why would I want another human in my house?” I love animals and they are, depending on the kind of animal, a nice addition to the home. But I don’t feel the same about a man/children in the house! So today, I was walking and I started comparing snakes with humans. Snakes are relatively easy to care for (depending on the type), eat about once a week (even less when they’re older), they are clean, don’t smell, etc. And then I thought of humans… They need to eat at least three times a day (more when they’re younger), they lose hairs and skin flakes (ew), they may never learn to clean up after themselves and may have a strong body odour… So, as a joke, I wanted to create a care sheet for humans as pets.
Again, don’t take this seriously! But for the people who don’t/can’t understand why I prefer the solo life (with pets), perhaps this will give you more insight.


CARE SHEET FOR HUMANS AS PETS

People love humans and most people have at least one human in their home. Keeping them can be rewarding, but there are various considerations to take into account.

Housing
Humans can be kept in all kinds of housing, from a small apartment to a big farm. Humans are very flexible and adaptable to different situations. However, if you plan to move a lot, it is best to introduce this while the human is still young. This way, there won’t be too many adjustment problems or fears of change when they are older. Humans should at least have a bed suited to their age/size. Some humans will prefer to share a bed with you and it is up to you to decide whether you will allow this or not. Bear in mind that if you do, they may take up your space and hog your blanket. Some even drape themselves over you in their sleep. Set boundaries early on as it will be harder to claim territory back once it has been given to/taken by your human(s). Humans also need basic facilities like a bathroom and kitchen. Depending on your living situation, this may mean that you have to share yours and not always have access to yours when you want/need it.

Feeding
Humans are naturally omnivores. When they are newborn, breastmilk is all they need every few hours. If they don’t eat enough, you can additionally feed formula. As a human gets older, they eat mashed food and slowly move to solid foods and eat fewer times a day.
An adult human should eat at least three big meals a day (breakfast, lunch and dinner) and drink two litres of water. While humans are omnivores, they may choose to follow different diets and preferences. For example: pescetarianism, vegetarianism, veganism, raw veganism, fruitanism, high-protein, gluten-free, etc. This may involve cooking separate meals for each human.

Grooming and hygiene
Humans should shower/bathe at least once a day. Trim hair and nails regularly. Humans may have different types of hair (straight/curly, thick/thin) and may have a high amount of body hair as well. Humans lose hairs and skin flakes during the day. The more humans in a home, the more often you have to clean the home. Humans may be messy, so be prepared for that as well. This can be trained out of them, though there are humans who never learn how to be clean and tidy.

Social behaviour
Humans can be very social or anti-social. This depends on the personality type and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of different types of personalities as well as personality disorders. Humans may also behave differently depending on the situation they are in (school/work, alone or in a group, morning/afternoon/evening/night, when hungry or PMSing). In short: humans are complicated.

Communication
Humans share hundreds of different languages. But most often, the humans that will live with you will speak at least one of your languages. Still, communication may not always go smoothly and this will depend on your and your human’s communication and listening skills. Sometimes difference in gender may cause misunderstandings in meanings and/or intentions. In addition, there are various modes of communication (direct and indirect, written or verbal, online and offline) which can either aid communication or lead to even more miscommunication.

Physical needs
To make sure humans are healthy, a good doctor should be available near your home. Depending on your personal or country situation, health care may be very expensive. In order to stay fit, humans should exercise. There are a variety of sports. Some will be more expensive than others and most will involve sweaty sports gear that need to be washed. Humans also need to be given physical attention. Some humans crave this more than others. Adult humans may feel the need to mate and procreate. You can recognise this by attempts to impress the desired mate and attempts to intimidate competitors.

Emotional needs
Humans need to be entertained or they will get bored and behave recklessly. While daily schedules (school/work) can provide for some distraction, humans need emotional care at home too. They may choose to provide for themselves (reading or watching something) or they may need you to provide this for them (spending time and engaging in conversation). Some humans need more companions than others. As with physical needs, some humans are more needy than others.

I hope this helps and that you will enjoy your human(s)!

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