Heart cancer

For the past six months, I have been distracted by an insignificant other.
I had not allowed myself to get involved or open up to anyone for years.
But he seemed adventurous, masculine, sexy and sweet. And above all, the reliable and faithful type.
His world was a mess and I wanted to support him and help him achieve his dreams. While limited in my own resources and energy, I shared all I had. It wasn’t a sacrifice; I was happy to do it out of love.
And when his stories did not add up, when his actions showed his true colours, I chose to ignore these red flags. He surely did not mean it that way. When he showed his raging anger – first directed at others, later directed at me – it was so familiar, I mistook it for love too. After all, my parents acted the same way when I was a child.
I wanted it to work out. After all, I never let anyone in. So when I finally do, it must work out, right?
But even his arms were lying; giving me the illusion that I was in the safest space while he pulled me closer and deeper, into a most dangerous place. A place I wasn’t loved, respected or appreciated. Where my boundaries were overstepped and I was taken for granted. Where he was never wrong, always hiding behind his victimhood and never took responsibility for his faulty actions.
I continued to see the good in him, the person he can be.
But today, I decided enough is enough. No more empathy when punches are continually thrown at me, whether out of ignorance or out of spite. I know him now. He will blame others, burn bridges and turn stories around. While it only lasted one seventh of my last relationship, the damage done is about seven times worse.
I’ve let a toxic person live inside my heart, but I am cleaning up the mess. My soul will be whole again, my energy will restore to positive and my mind is already back on track.

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